I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You are the jesus of drinking
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
