anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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