Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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