A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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