I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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