Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
