so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
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