I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
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I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
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My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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