Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
