so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
