They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
