New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
