I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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