I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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