He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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