You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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