guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
