I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
