I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
