When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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