So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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