i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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