I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
