It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
