God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
