remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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