i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
