Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
