if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
