i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
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