i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Is Oprah even human
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
