she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
