Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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