im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
