I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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