My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
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and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
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We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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