Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
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This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
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I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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