You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
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I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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