What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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