What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
