Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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