They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
