Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I deserve this hangover.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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