I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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