I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize