My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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