That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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