He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
