he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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