You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
