Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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