I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Enjoy the penises
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
