There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
