The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
