I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
