Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
These 25 Rude People Ruined Movies for Everyone Else
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
23 Cringeworthy Responses to “I Love You”
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!