this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
