sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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