I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
