I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
