I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
